NOTE: This blog was started on December 26th. Due to a problem that we will refer to as "Mother Fucking Adelphia", it will now be posted a full two days late. We would like to apologize for the bastards at Adelphia and tell you that we harbor no hard feelings or ill will towards them, right now we're too busy hating AOL.

On with the show!


Well, Christmas was yesterday, and unless you're Canadian or British, today has absolutely no cultural significance.
Today means nothing whatsoever except that you may now cease being nice to people that you were previously nice to only because "it's Christmas". You are free to say the things that you wanted to say last week but didn't.

Here, let me go first.
But just to give my enemies a sporting chance, let me rhyme.

BOXING DAY JABS by Ryduffy the elf.

A.O.L. can go to Hell.
As a matter of fact, so can Jeff Schell.
He popped the big question,
and of course she said yes.
Now I have to start shopping for a new Best-Man's dress.
That's not exactly true, he hasn't picked me,
though I'm sure he could be coerced, for a fee.

But if I'm not in the wedding, I'll get along fine,
And I know that their future will turn out divine.
I'm just glad to see that Jeff located his spine,
that's more than I can say for America Online.

Those dickless bastards offered me a "free" trial,
and I tried out their precious 9.0 for a while.
I called them up to cancel on the 45th day,
and they thought it'd be funny to charge me anyway.

So I called them back after I got the bill in the mail,
And they said "Fuck off, sir. Go straight to Hay-ell."
(The guy on the phone had a southern accent)
And that's not what he said, but it is what he meant.

He made some assurances that my problem had been solved,
and that's when the telemarketers got involved.
I received three calls, and I had a coniption,
when they asked if I'd like to renew my subscription.

I told them "No.", and I hoped that was it,
then I got another bill and went completely apeshit.
This time it said my account was delinquent
and here's where I stop rhyming and say that these fuckers were in for a fight. I called them up again and I spoke to a woman who told me that I was completely in the wrong, and then she hung up on me.
I may have been a bit abrasive, but she was the face of this gigantic corporation and I desperately needed to slap it.
AOL doesn't need my 29 dollars, judging from the fact that the human population is now outnumbered three to one by AOL startup discs, I'd say they were doing OK.

So after she hung up, I called right back and told the next person I spoke to every single thing that had transpired, and thankfully, he agreed to help me. He said that he would credit the account and that my problems "should" be over.
"We'll see about that." I said, like a dick.
And he says to me:
"Sir, while I have you on the phone, can I ask you a question? Would you like a chance to renew your free trial membership for another 45 days?"

I sat there in silence, stunned.
And right as I was about to go completely berserk on this worthless excuse for a human being, a thought floated down to me from on high.

"Leave him alone, Ryan. He's just doing his job. Besides, it's Christmas."

Fucking Jesus. I should have known to expect that shit from his pansy ass.