Greetings all. Here is the continuation of The Son Of The South series as promised. We regret the tremendous amount of time that has passed since this story was started, but it was through no fault of our own. Still, we recommend perhaps glancing at the first chapter of this story further down the page, just to get your bearings, so to speak. Forgive this interruption, now on with the story!

Fear and Loathing in Orlando - Day 3

I awoke in the morning on Day Three the same way as I had awoken 6 times earlier that night.
Sweating.
Which just goes to prove the old saying; It's not The Heat that gets you so much as The Humidity.
I can tell you they were right.
In fact, I'm a little surprised that there are no college or professional sports teams in Florida that have taken advantage of that demonic little moniker. What's worse than Gators, scarier than Hurricanes, and "gets you" more than The Heat?

THE HUMIDITY.
Get your season tickets now...

I like their chances this year. Today was Friday, and Claire and I had decided that we would go to Wet N Wild, the enormous waterpark we frequented in our youths. So we dropped the baby off with Claire's Brother-In-Law (My cousin of some sort?) and headed out to the crazy land of Water Slides, Chlorine, and British Tourists.
We had loads of fun there, though I must say that the time spent waiting in line for a ride is sadly disproportionate to the time spent actually enjoying the ride. This prompted me to make the following joke every time we waited for every ride in the park.

"Wet N' Wild? Hey! They should call this place Wait N Wild!"

Ah, wordplay. The cleft-lipped bastard child of comedy. Here is Claire, pretending to be unamused by my hilarity.

She's great folks, isn't she?

After the awesomeness of The Waterpark was over, we headed back to pick up Maverick and then I went back to my dad's. I went to bed early that night because my dad was going to wake me up at 7:00 am to go to the Gun Show. I asked why we had to go so early and he said to me, "Because that's when I get up."
7:00 am? Really?
They truly are a different breed down there.

DAY 4

I must now confess that I like guns. In fact, I think they are great. Super great. And I've wanted one ever since I knew about them, much like a full sleeve tattoo.

So when I went to the gunshow that morning, I was pretty excited. Luckily I had my camera and was able to capture some sights for you the loyal readers.
It should be noted here that cameras are not allowed in a gun show.
You are welcome.

The following are images that I found compelling;

First, the sign. It's simplicity intrigued me. Why are the letters slightly off center? And why such a big sign for only two words? Why no other information? I guess because these two words say it all.

Next, we have on display some lovely ceramic stabbing weapons that were advertised to be metal detector proof, presumably for use on airplanes. Check out the price.

2 for $7? What a deal! Next we come to the fascinating bumper sticker display. The one I liked most of all of these is the I Love Animals one, though it does seem a little out of place here.

Those were nice. But these next two were The Ultimate.

It's a good thing Liberals have no way to get their stinkin' progressive hands on some metal detector proof ceramic stabbing weapons. Then we'd all be screwed. Below is just one of many, many tables where they actually sell the guns in question. I did not personally see any guns there that were being "shown" as the name of the event suggests, only guns that were being sold.

Neato, eh? I also saw a Dale Earnhardt sponsored shotgun, but the picture of it came out all blurry. Sorry guys.

While I LOVE making fun of the gun show, I also LOVED shopping at it. I won't tell you if I got a gun while I was in Florida, but if hypothetically you were to ask me if I did, the answer would rhyme with "Mess", and it's not guess. Just don't show up unannounced at my home in the wee hours of the morning, and if you do, give me a minute to go to the closet and "get ready".

That was a lovely Saturday, and my father and I ate BBQ again, at my request. Here's the old man at Bubba Lou's. And please, he could whoop Wilford Brimley's ass, so don't even say it.

The next day was Sunday, The Lord's Day, and we went to church. It wasn't just church though, it was a mega-church. That is actually what they are called down here. We went to a giant building at 8:30 (ouch!) in the morning and sat in the back of a neverending row of pews. When we arrived, I immediately noticed the Giant Projection Screen above the pulpit, and showing on this screen, the surprisingly hot girl leading the worshipping. My eyes scanned the room to see where she was being filmed from, but I couldn't locate her.

I turned to Claire. "Hey, where is that chick singing from?"

To which Claire replied, "Apopka."

For those of you unfamiliar with Floridian Geography, Apopka is a city a few hundred miles away from the city of Orlando. This so-called hot chick was leading a worship service for an entirely different church and the people in our building were just following along on the screen. Then the thought struck me. "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to watch TV together..."

I didn't know how to feel about that, but it struck me as a little creepy. Then I found out there were two other giant churches that were watching the broadcast as well, and I felt justified in my "creepy" diagnosis.
It was a lucky thing that our church was the one who got the Real Life Pastor and not his Virtual Counterpart. He delivered his sermon on (and this is not a joke) "The Dangers of The Da Vinci Code" and then, after a few more songs by fake hot girl, we left. All in all, if I was giving this place ten percent of my income, I'd expect a little more of a show. I'd give it 2 and a 1/2 stars.

After that, we went to breakfast as a family. My father, my sister, my brother-in-law, and my nephew all took me to a restaurant called Brian's where they go every Sunday without fail. I had steak and eggs, and the food was just OK, but it was one of the greatest meals of my life. Here they are.

Good people, my family. The Salt of the Earth. That kid is really biting his hand. It drew blood. I think he's part wolf.

The next morning I flew home to Los Angeles, and I must have been the only Liberal on the plane, as it landed safely with no attempted hijackings.

THE END