Things that I know to be true:

I am always in the wrong lane.
The Dentists are lying to us.
I make the same absurd face every time I look into a mirror.
A fruit juice does not exist that can't be successfully mixed with Cran.
The Decepticons were cooler than the Autobots. Admit it.
The United States should be two separate countries. Now if The South would just get off it's lazy ass and "rise again" already. Fuck!
That Lady up there is going to pay with fucking quarters!
I will be killed in some pointless car crash.
Josh Lyman needs to do his secretary.
The Mariners will win a pennant before Dave dies. But not The Series.
My air guitar is pitifully unconvincing.
Habit Shirts were not made for dogs.
This ain't no disco. And it ain't no country club either. This is L.A.
Gary Payton is following me.
I once sat in a tree for an entire day, fearing for my life. It was a Monday morning in my fifth grade year and I was getting ready to ride my bike down the road to Bonneville Elementary, located in beautiful Winter Park, Florida. Winter Park was a town in Central Florida that was connected to a rather large swamp. I say was because the swamp has since been paved and settled.
But on this crisp Monday it was alive and well and seething with life. My house was situated right on the edge of where the swamp began and my friends and I had countless places within the jungle canopy that we liked to play in. It was dirty, smelly, infested with mosquitoes, and everything a fifth grade boy could ask for. So on this morning as I made my final preparations to go to school, I noticed that I could not locate my bike lock. I searched all over my house and could not find it, and so decided that I must've left it out in the swamp somewhere. Turns out I was right.
At this point I would like to familiarize you with the Water Moccassin. It is a snake. It is a thick black snake. It is also the only snake in the world that will chase a human being for the purpose of killing and eating it.
Guess what happened next.
That's right, I wandered off in search of my precious bike lock, and it didn't take long before I spotted it. At first I couldn't be sure that it was mine because it was mostly obscured by the thick black snake wrapped all around it.
Now my uncle Jesse had been bitten by a Moccassin and it very nearly killed him, I remember going to visit him in the hospital. So I did the only thing my paralyzed-with-fear mind could think of, I climbed up the nearest tree, all the while staring at the clump of bushes that held both my lock and my doom.
This was, in actuality, the WRONG course of action to take. Did I neglect to mention above that the water moccassin is also unique in that it is the only snake in the world that can climb trees faster than it can move along the ground? Too bad I didn't know that when I was ten.
So I'm sitting up in this tree, shaking like a leaf, afraid to even blink for fear that I would miss the thing making it's move, and trying to convince my legs to unpetrify.
"No thanks," say my legs to me, "you're on your own with this one."
I'm going to end the suspense for you, I didn't die. Nor did I get bitten. Nor did I even catch another glimpse of the hideous beast. But that didn't stop me from cowering in that tree from 8 in the morning until my Dad got home from work that night at around 6:30. And even then, I couldn't get out of the tree.
My Dad had to come up and get me after thoroughly stomping the ground all around the bush I was staring at, which by the way, was not the bush that contained my bike lock after all. I had become mixed up in the confusion of climbing and was staring at an empty shrub all day. In the meantime the snake had gone on about it's business, and to this day it has no idea that I can't even bear the sight of a snake drawing, no matter how cartoonish they're supposed to be. Seriously, some of those old Far Sides scare the shit out of me.