I WANT A NEW ENEMY

With all of the tribulations currently engulfing our pretty little planet, it's only natural for people to begin philosophizing about what creates these problems and, more importantly, what allows them to continue.

Some would be quick to point the finger of blame squarely at the "United" States of America, and they'd be justified in doing so. We've acted foolishly, without regard for the consequences that must inevitably follow, and so we're branded fools. Fair enough.

I hate to admit this, as I consider myself to be the most (gulp) patriotic member of my own little community, but for Christ's sake Americans,

You brought it on yourselves.

I'm not saying that we deserved to be attacked in the way that we were, but we sure as hell had to see something coming. Our arrogance as a nation had reached an all-time high (low?) when we found ourselves debating the definition of "is" and whether or not a blowjob counts as sex. (I say it doesn't, I mean what do I get out of it besides a sore jaw?)

Then, after we got suckerpunched on 9-11, an interesting thing happened. We all got a lot closer for a short while, partisan lines were blurred and all Americans were brothers, even if only some of us were actually black men.

We mourned as one nation, and then romantically thought of ourselves as "The Sleeping Giant" that had been awakened to retake the world for justice and truth. You could almost hear Don King salivating at the prospect of a giant brawl between the big bad U.S.A. (13-0-1) and the upstart Al QUEDA (0-0). We could show it on pay-per-view and it could be bigger than Wrestlemania, almost.

But then something happened.

Or, more accurately, something failed to happen.

Al Queda didn't show up for the rumble.

So we went to his house and smacked his kids around and shot his dog, but he just ran off and hid so he could come back and bite us again another day. What a fucker!
So, like a bully that has not collected enough lunch money yet, we looked wildly around and asked that classic bully question,

"Who else wants some?"

followed closely by,

"Hey Saddam, what the fuck you lookin' at?"

Turns out he was looking at us and that was that.

So we left the Queda residence and went over to someone else's house, and we "fought" them, but really they went down like Scott Farkis under Ralphie's mittens.
The real challenge in Iraq has proven to be keeping their people from acting like animals while we're busy liberating them from the tyranny of their oil.
Jesus people! Shut up and let us rule you!

But even that story is getting stale. The U.S. military death toll has broken 600 since Bush hit that aircraft carrier and did the victory dance, and that seemingly embarrassing piece of news only rates a little side bar on page A14 in the L.A. Times.

We are far more concerned with the state of our daily television schedules than the state of the world around us, and while that little observation has been made quite a few times before, no one has had the cajones to say what I'm about to.

I want the Nazis back.

They were a real enemy. A true source of undeniable evil that the whole world (meaning the US+Europe) had to unite to defeat. They were brutal, twisted bastards, and they killed millions of innocent people, but that's not what I miss about them, it's their sense of style. They had a sinister logo and wore really cool uniforms while they committed their acts of attrocities.

A genocidal style, yes, but a style nonetheless.

With the villains of today, there's none of that. Yes, they're evil. Sick? Check. Twisted? Check. But I can't help but think that something's missing.

Maybe it's their leaders. Hitler was way crazier! He commissioned people to create Nazi artwork, and search for ancient artifacts, and he was the only person who could actually pull of that little mustache of his. Bin Laden's just good at hiding in stuff, and I'm sorry, but there's just nothing sexy about that.

I guess it all boils down to the old adage "the clothes make the man", because when you think of every conquering army in modern history, what did they have in common?

Uniforms.

The British were called"The RedCoats".
Our own elite forces are called "The Green Berets".
And who could forget the Viet Cong's provocative choice, Black Pajamas?

I mean, for Christ's sakes, even The Russians had uniforms. Ah, The Red Scare. I would have said that I wanted The Ruskies back, but despite the best efforts of movies like RED DAWN, I was more afraid of their Nukes than their actual army. Although, let's be serious for a second, Red Dawn did kick ass.

So my advice to Al Queda?

Get it together man, and let's try to make this the best "War on Terror" ever!

WOLVERINES!!!!!!!!

(Not a bad mascot, Mr. Queda, think about it.)