HAPPY EASTER

Right now I'm enjoying myself at home, watching the Los Angeles Lakers get that much closer to being dead to me.

But at least they don't lead the Majors in losses, like a certain baseball club that I'm not speaking to right now.

I just finished reading about that British guy who sold everything and went to Las Vegas to bet his entire life savings on one spin of Roulette. He didn't take the advice of Wesley Snipes, and he bet on red. And won.

This dufus made over $100,000 doing nothing but drinking and smoking cigarettes.

So, I'm going back there in ten days.

You heard me right Las Vegas! I haven't had enough! I'm coming back for the rest of the money that you owe me!

I'm just going for a day and a half so I can grab one of those gambler's anonymous pamphlets from the hotel lobby. It might be good for some laughs.

I'll be there with my good friend Jeffrey Thomas Schell, and it will be the first time I've experienced The Strip without a girlfriend around to stop me from taking every single piece of free porn that I'm offered.

I've decided that if I win big, I will use every last Euro in my fortune (because I'll obviously leave this doomed country far behind) to making the world a better place. But not by giving money to charity, or building hospitals, or some pansy-ass crap like that.

I'll purchase the finest training and equipment available to make me the world's most feared Crime Fighter, and I'll battle the forces of Schell Inc. from the beaches of Australia to the small picturesque cafes of Amsterdam.

We will wage war on each other on every continent on Earth, but since we'll be using Nerf guns and Super-Soakers, the battles will take longer and be so much more fun!

Once my foe is vanquished, I'll move into his island lair, tear down his fancy race track, and in it's place build a new racetrack that is slightly fancier.

And it all starts on Wednesday April 21st, 2004.

So, make your pledges of allegiance now folks. Either declare your loyalty to that stinky, slightly taller fatcat Jeff, or come over to the Dobosh side of things where there will be cupcakes and McDonald's Orange Drink for everyone!