Where the Streets Have Three Names...

Orlando, Florida.
Last week we ventured to the SouthEast corner of our great nation to visit the family and get back in touch with our Southern roots.
The time we spent there was relaxing and rewarding in that we got to meet our new nephew, the aforementioned Maverick, and spend some quality time in the region of our childhood. And after seeing the sights, and smelling the smells, and tasting the tastes of the vibrant culture that is on display down there, we have four words for The South;

Put A Shirt On.

Seriously, would it kill ya?

Tense Change!

I flew out of LAX on Wednesday morning, (side note: Thanks to Luke for the ride. It has now been determined that taking someone to LAX is actually a bigger favor than helping them move. Hard to believe, but entirely true.) and arrived at Orlando International Airport at 6:30pm local time. I had taken a Xanax before the flight and was feeling pretty good despite sitting in the non-reclining exit row for 5 hours. I met my lovely sister Claire, (pictured below) and we went immediately to a bar and began The Drinking.

After that, it was off to meet the in-laws. I sincerely like Claire's husband Pal, and was interested in meeting my new nephew's paternal Grandparents. It was just too bad about The Drinking. I felt too drunk to converse intelligently so I did what any drunken jet-lagged uncle coming down off a prescription drug would do. I stared at the baby.

Babies are fascinating. Even when they're not doing anything, it's awesome. Take this for instance:

See what I mean? He's just yawning. Why is it so cool?

Anyway, after that, Claire took me to my Dad's place and I was surprised to see that he had no water in the house.
He did have two different kinds of iced-tea made up though. Decaf for the nighttime.
Then I realized that he didn't have any bottled water in the house because they don't need to buy their water at the grocery store. Their tap water is actually clean. It comes into their houses for practically nothing. They bathe in clean water. Spending extra time and money retrieving and consuming bottled water is something I do because the water where I live is toxic to humans.

Isn't it funny how I initially looked down my nose at someone's way of doing things differently, even though their way was clearly superior. Does that make me a (gasp) liberal elite?

The short answer is: Maybe.
The long answer is: Yes.

That night, my father and I went to a grocery store they have down there called "Albertson's"!
I mean, can you imagine a store named that?

End of DAY ONE

On Thursday, Day Two, I drove my Dad's superfast car to Claire's house. It's only 15 minutes from my Dad's place. It took me an hour.
It wasn't that I ran into traffic.
It's that the roadways down there have at least two different names. And in many cases, both names are a number.
I asked many people why this was and they all just looked at me like, "How else would it be?" Now, just in case you're having problems believing me, below you'll see a typical street sign in Orlando. Keep in mind that 17 and 92 are the same road, and that road is also called Mills Ave.

Also, while I was on the road, I saw the single dumbest thing I 've ever heard of.

It was a pickup truck.
With a spoiler on it.
It was a spoiler on a pickup truck.

Now, that's just stupid as Hell.

After successfully navigating my way to Claire's house, we went to lunch at Bennigan's, home of The Monte Cristo, (click it and scroll down, I dare you) and had $1 Margaritas.

The price of liquor in Florida is absurdly low.
Double Maker's Mark on the rocks; $5.25.
Don't these people know that folks are paying three times as much for that out here. I mean, isn't a single glass of liquid that costs 20 bucks a bottle at a liquor store worth $15.00?
It's not?
You lied to me, Sky Bar!

After lunch, I stared at the baby some more and then I went home. My Dad and I went to a place for BBQ that was called O' Boy's where we had All You Can Eat BBQ pork for $9.95. I also had Collard Greens, Baked Beans, a Baked Potato, a Slaw Cup, and Garlic Bread. They were out of Sweet Potato Pie, which deeply saddened the old man.

For the record, I could eat that meal everyday for the rest of my life and be perfectly content. I used to feel that way about Mexican food, but I was way off.

We went for a leisurely drive in the warm night air around Lake Eola, and the calm and relaxation was palpable. After palping it for a while, we headed back home to watch Cops, Fox News, and C.S.I., the mainstays on the DVR in Dobosh Country, Florida.
I drank some decaf Iced Tea, and it was great.

End Of DAY TWO

Stay tuned for days 3, 4 and 5, which include a Water Park, a Mega-Church, and a Gun Show. But not in that order.