Hey everybody, here at The Pinyon we would like to ask all of you to do us and yourselves a giant favor by reading this story. It is well worth your time.
http://www.thestranger.com/2004-11-11/feature.html
Thank you,
And may God Leave America Alone
Monday, November 08, 2004
An open letter to the Youth Of America:
Hey guys, how's it going? Come over here for a minute. Have a seat. I was just wondering if-hey! Hey! Would you mind looking at me when I talk to you?
Thank you.
I was just wondering if you could tell me where you were on Tuesday.
See, I called Danny's parents and they said he told them you were all hanging out here. So what gives?
Look, it doesn't really matter where you were, just as long as you voted. I know that I can count on you to be smart and responsi- Don't you look at your Mother, look at me!
You did vote, didn't you?
Didn't you?
You. Didn't. Vote.
Did I not make it clear that there was a free sticker involved?
No, it's not so much that I'm mad, as I am just disappointed. And very mad. I mean, how do you think this makes Drew Barrymore feel? She could have been filming a movie this whole time instead of traveling the country trying to get you to vote and then to somehow pretend she still qualifies as a "young person" even though she's a month away from being 30.
Poor Drew Barrymore.
Now doesn't that make you feel terrible, she's the sweet little girl from E.T. for pete's sake!
It's a movie about an alien.
You know, there was a time when you had to be 21 years old to vote in this country, and people your age were fighting tooth and nail for the same rights that everyone else had.
And now what have you done with those rights?
You've crudded all over them, pardon my french.
And for that, you are grounded.
And don't even ask to come out of that filthy room of yours until November 2008. Maybe then you can act like the that adult you're supposed to be.
Ah-ah-ah! Not one word! Just get out of my sight!
And don't you give me that look either, unless you want me to call P. Diddy.
Hey guys, how's it going? Come over here for a minute. Have a seat. I was just wondering if-hey! Hey! Would you mind looking at me when I talk to you?
Thank you.
I was just wondering if you could tell me where you were on Tuesday.
See, I called Danny's parents and they said he told them you were all hanging out here. So what gives?
Look, it doesn't really matter where you were, just as long as you voted. I know that I can count on you to be smart and responsi- Don't you look at your Mother, look at me!
You did vote, didn't you?
Didn't you?
You. Didn't. Vote.
Did I not make it clear that there was a free sticker involved?
No, it's not so much that I'm mad, as I am just disappointed. And very mad. I mean, how do you think this makes Drew Barrymore feel? She could have been filming a movie this whole time instead of traveling the country trying to get you to vote and then to somehow pretend she still qualifies as a "young person" even though she's a month away from being 30.
Poor Drew Barrymore.
Now doesn't that make you feel terrible, she's the sweet little girl from E.T. for pete's sake!
It's a movie about an alien.
You know, there was a time when you had to be 21 years old to vote in this country, and people your age were fighting tooth and nail for the same rights that everyone else had.
And now what have you done with those rights?
You've crudded all over them, pardon my french.
And for that, you are grounded.
And don't even ask to come out of that filthy room of yours until November 2008. Maybe then you can act like the that adult you're supposed to be.
Ah-ah-ah! Not one word! Just get out of my sight!
And don't you give me that look either, unless you want me to call P. Diddy.
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
One State, Two State, Red State, Blue State.
Here it is,
Election Day.
Or, as is probably more likely,
Election: Day One.
I'm nervous with anticipation, wondering what direction half of this fractured country will drag the other half in.
Seriously though, I'm looking at you, The South.
Just GO.
No one's even looking! Just take Florida and Utah and git! Think about it, you can make your own laws, and print your own money, and hell, just declare your government a theocracy from the get go and save all of us some time.
Don't worry about us. Here in the Bluenited States of America, we'll have gay marriage, stem cell research, and abortions for everybody! Once you're gone, we can get on with the legalization of Marijuana, the actual separation of Church and State, and we can make a fresh start with regards to our foreign policy. (Hint: It'll be just like Sweden's, apparently they had it right all along.)
This is how we do it.
We'll hold a draft.
ESPN can televise it, at least through the first few rounds, until it gets really boring.
Alright, New York and Texas, you're captains.
Once we've chosen teams politically, there may have to be some trades made to keep things running smoothly geographically. For instance, New Mexico will probably go Blue, but since it's bordered on all sides by Red, perhaps the people of Arizona will trade homes with their neighbors to the East so that both new nations can maintain some sort of continuity. Also, we'll have to connect Washington State with Minnesota somehow, so we'll just take the top halves of Montana and South Dakota and the very tip of Idaho. In exchange, the Red States can have Hawaii.
No no! Alaska! They can have Alaska.
No! Not Alaska, too valuable.
I got it, they can have Puerto Rico, and another territory to be named later. Done.
Now, what's our flag going to be? I'm sure the Redtarded States of America will have something they can get behind, like a giant photo of Toby Keith standing next to a whites only drinking fountain.
But what should our choice be?
We could go the way of Canada and just have a blue field with a green leaf in the center. Although, since the maple leaf is already taken, maybe there's another leaf whose very shape symbolizes the ideals we all embrace so willingly, ideals like watching The Simpsons, eating too many cookies, and forgetting where we put our fucking keys!
Oh well, I'm sure somebody will think of something eventually...or not...whatever.
The flag won't matter as much when we are free to live life as we choose and aren't forced to pander to the outdated beliefs of these backward people who think that Evolution is just another Orlando Jones movie.
So go out there and vote while you can, citizens of America. But keep in mind, when it all turns to shit, and my plan starts to sound like the right way to go for everyone involved, remember this:
I call President!
Here it is,
Election Day.
Or, as is probably more likely,
Election: Day One.
I'm nervous with anticipation, wondering what direction half of this fractured country will drag the other half in.
Seriously though, I'm looking at you, The South.
Just GO.
No one's even looking! Just take Florida and Utah and git! Think about it, you can make your own laws, and print your own money, and hell, just declare your government a theocracy from the get go and save all of us some time.
Don't worry about us. Here in the Bluenited States of America, we'll have gay marriage, stem cell research, and abortions for everybody! Once you're gone, we can get on with the legalization of Marijuana, the actual separation of Church and State, and we can make a fresh start with regards to our foreign policy. (Hint: It'll be just like Sweden's, apparently they had it right all along.)
This is how we do it.
We'll hold a draft.
ESPN can televise it, at least through the first few rounds, until it gets really boring.
Alright, New York and Texas, you're captains.
Once we've chosen teams politically, there may have to be some trades made to keep things running smoothly geographically. For instance, New Mexico will probably go Blue, but since it's bordered on all sides by Red, perhaps the people of Arizona will trade homes with their neighbors to the East so that both new nations can maintain some sort of continuity. Also, we'll have to connect Washington State with Minnesota somehow, so we'll just take the top halves of Montana and South Dakota and the very tip of Idaho. In exchange, the Red States can have Hawaii.
No no! Alaska! They can have Alaska.
No! Not Alaska, too valuable.
I got it, they can have Puerto Rico, and another territory to be named later. Done.
Now, what's our flag going to be? I'm sure the Redtarded States of America will have something they can get behind, like a giant photo of Toby Keith standing next to a whites only drinking fountain.
But what should our choice be?
We could go the way of Canada and just have a blue field with a green leaf in the center. Although, since the maple leaf is already taken, maybe there's another leaf whose very shape symbolizes the ideals we all embrace so willingly, ideals like watching The Simpsons, eating too many cookies, and forgetting where we put our fucking keys!
Oh well, I'm sure somebody will think of something eventually...or not...whatever.
The flag won't matter as much when we are free to live life as we choose and aren't forced to pander to the outdated beliefs of these backward people who think that Evolution is just another Orlando Jones movie.
So go out there and vote while you can, citizens of America. But keep in mind, when it all turns to shit, and my plan starts to sound like the right way to go for everyone involved, remember this:
I call President!
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