One State, Two State, Red State, Blue State.

Here it is,
Election Day.
Or, as is probably more likely,
Election: Day One.

I'm nervous with anticipation, wondering what direction half of this fractured country will drag the other half in.

Seriously though, I'm looking at you, The South.

Just GO.

No one's even looking! Just take Florida and Utah and git! Think about it, you can make your own laws, and print your own money, and hell, just declare your government a theocracy from the get go and save all of us some time.

Don't worry about us. Here in the Bluenited States of America, we'll have gay marriage, stem cell research, and abortions for everybody! Once you're gone, we can get on with the legalization of Marijuana, the actual separation of Church and State, and we can make a fresh start with regards to our foreign policy. (Hint: It'll be just like Sweden's, apparently they had it right all along.)

This is how we do it.

We'll hold a draft.
ESPN can televise it, at least through the first few rounds, until it gets really boring.
Alright, New York and Texas, you're captains.

Once we've chosen teams politically, there may have to be some trades made to keep things running smoothly geographically. For instance, New Mexico will probably go Blue, but since it's bordered on all sides by Red, perhaps the people of Arizona will trade homes with their neighbors to the East so that both new nations can maintain some sort of continuity. Also, we'll have to connect Washington State with Minnesota somehow, so we'll just take the top halves of Montana and South Dakota and the very tip of Idaho. In exchange, the Red States can have Hawaii.
No no! Alaska! They can have Alaska.
No! Not Alaska, too valuable.
I got it, they can have Puerto Rico, and another territory to be named later. Done.

Now, what's our flag going to be? I'm sure the Redtarded States of America will have something they can get behind, like a giant photo of Toby Keith standing next to a whites only drinking fountain.
But what should our choice be?
We could go the way of Canada and just have a blue field with a green leaf in the center. Although, since the maple leaf is already taken, maybe there's another leaf whose very shape symbolizes the ideals we all embrace so willingly, ideals like watching The Simpsons, eating too many cookies, and forgetting where we put our fucking keys!
Oh well, I'm sure somebody will think of something eventually...or not...whatever.

The flag won't matter as much when we are free to live life as we choose and aren't forced to pander to the outdated beliefs of these backward people who think that Evolution is just another Orlando Jones movie.

So go out there and vote while you can, citizens of America. But keep in mind, when it all turns to shit, and my plan starts to sound like the right way to go for everyone involved, remember this:

I call President!