It occurs to me that I've missed the entire month of July, and for that I am truly sorry. The following is a post that was started on July 18th. Some of the jokes aren't as funny as they used to be, but hey, it was a different time then.

Sit down. We need to have a talk.

Now, when I say "we", I mean you need to listen to me talk, so shut up.

I feel that it's time that we discuss Pepsi Edge.

I was shopping at my friendly neighborhood grocery store (and you know how those can be) when I happened upon this magnificent product. It gleamed at me from off the shelf as if it had a light of it's own buried deep inside it. The light of Heaven? Perhaps.

I thought to myself, "At last, we oppressed millions have somewhere to turn when we can't stand the ad campaign for that motherfucking Coke C2."

I didn't actually drink any of it, I was just glad it was there. I was glad for several different reasons, but before we go on, I should tell you that I am 100% positive that it tastes just like shit.

But some people like shit, and I'm not one to judge, but I will. You nasty fuckers are nasty.

Anyway, I was glad to see Pepsi Edge because I was wondering whether Coke was going to be able to claim this summer as the Summer Of C2. You'll remember last year it was Pepsi Twist, and back in the good old days of '02, it was Vanilla Coke. Ah, vanilla flavoring and cola, how I loved thee, for a time.

And now we're smack dab in the middle of this decade which no one can seem to come up with a clever nickname for, and look at what they're giving us, half the carbs. Halle-fucking-lujiah.

What the fuck is going on in this god-forsaken country? Carbs never threatened to attack us. Sure, there were some reports linking carbs to Al-Queda, but everyone knows those reports are just worthless (or is it just the "intelligence" people who read them?). Please people, Atkins is dead. Let it go.

I'm waiting for the anti-anti-carb backlash to begin, where people will again celebrate the joys of pasta, rice, and (gasp) bread. But in this volatile time in history, there needs to be a bad guy to defeat for the good guys to feel good about themselves. Or should I say, there needs to be a dastardly horrible guy to defeat for the bad guys to feel less-bad about themselves.

What was I talking about?

Oh yeah, soda.

I've got a question. How come there aren't any restaurants that serve Grape Soda? It's obviously the best soda there is, and anyone who can't admit that is fucking bread to me. (As the Anti-Carbies like to say)



Don't you fucking look at me like that, I told you it was no good. I promise to do better next time...whenever that is.