MY MOM IS AT IT AGAIN


Here at The Pinyon we've recently returned from Las Vegas (don't even ask) to find our email inbox quite full. I stumbled across this forwarded beauty from one Joanna Weeks, or as she was until recently known to me, Mommy.

Regular readers will remember that not long ago, I went too far in rebuking my mother for her political views, I offended her, and it was a mistake that I deeply regretted and vowed never to repeat.

But then I got this in my inbox:

From: Fredenburg, Gregory S

To: FGMKKK@aol.com ; SmileyMutti@aol.com

Sent: Wednesday, April 14, 2004 9:12 AM

Subject: FW: [Fwd: Political...............Prospective]


Perspective; Little known facts

Some claim President Bush shouldn't have started this war. They complain about his execution of it. One liberal recently claimed Bush was the worst president in U.S history.

President Bush did NOT start the war on terror it was started by terrorists BEFORE 9/11.

Let's look at the "worst" president and mismanagement claims.

FDR led us into World War II. Germany never attacked us: Japan did.

From 1941-1945, 450,000 lives were lost an average of 112,500 per year.

Truman finished that war and started the Korean War North Korea never attacked us.
From 1950-1953, 55,000 lives were lost an average of 18,333 per year.

John F. Kennedy started the Vietnam conflict in 1962.

Vietnam never attacked us.

Johnson turned Vietnam into a quagmire.

From 1965-1975, 58,000 lives were lost an average of 5,800 per year.

Clinton went to war in Bosnia without UN or French consent.

Bosnia never attacked us.

He was offered Osama bin Laden's head on a platter three times by Sudan and did nothing.

Osama has attacked us on multiple occasions.

Over 2,900 lives lost on 9/11.

In the two years since terrorists attacked us, President Bush has liberated two countries, crushed the Taliban, crippled al-Qaida, put nuclear inspectors in Lybia, Iran and North Korea without firing a shot, captured a terrorist who slaughtered at least 300,000 of his own people.

We lost 600 soldiers, an average of 300 a year.

Bush did all this abroad while not allowing another terrorist attack at home.

Worst president in history?

Democrats are complaining about how long the war is taking, but... It took less time to take Iraq than it took Janet Reno to take the Branch Dravidian compound. That was a 51 day operation.

We've been looking for evidence of chemical weapons in Iraq for less time than it took Hillary Clinton to find the Rose Law Firm billing records.

It took less time for the 3rd Infantry Division and the Marines to destroy the Medina Republican Guard than it took Teddy Kennedy to call the police after his Oldsmobile sank at Chappaquiddick.

It took less time to take Iraq than it took to count the votes in Florida!!!!

Our military is GREAT! PASS IT ON

------

Now, dear readers, would you kindly tell me, how am I supposed to respond to this SHIT?

Seriously though, what should I say? Best response wins a *prize!

(One of my favorite parts is how the author ranks F.D.R., Truman, and J.F.K. among our country's "worst" presidents. Wasn't one of those guys elected four times?)






*There is, of course, no prize.

HAPPY EASTER

Right now I'm enjoying myself at home, watching the Los Angeles Lakers get that much closer to being dead to me.

But at least they don't lead the Majors in losses, like a certain baseball club that I'm not speaking to right now.

I just finished reading about that British guy who sold everything and went to Las Vegas to bet his entire life savings on one spin of Roulette. He didn't take the advice of Wesley Snipes, and he bet on red. And won.

This dufus made over $100,000 doing nothing but drinking and smoking cigarettes.

So, I'm going back there in ten days.

You heard me right Las Vegas! I haven't had enough! I'm coming back for the rest of the money that you owe me!

I'm just going for a day and a half so I can grab one of those gambler's anonymous pamphlets from the hotel lobby. It might be good for some laughs.

I'll be there with my good friend Jeffrey Thomas Schell, and it will be the first time I've experienced The Strip without a girlfriend around to stop me from taking every single piece of free porn that I'm offered.

I've decided that if I win big, I will use every last Euro in my fortune (because I'll obviously leave this doomed country far behind) to making the world a better place. But not by giving money to charity, or building hospitals, or some pansy-ass crap like that.

I'll purchase the finest training and equipment available to make me the world's most feared Crime Fighter, and I'll battle the forces of Schell Inc. from the beaches of Australia to the small picturesque cafes of Amsterdam.

We will wage war on each other on every continent on Earth, but since we'll be using Nerf guns and Super-Soakers, the battles will take longer and be so much more fun!

Once my foe is vanquished, I'll move into his island lair, tear down his fancy race track, and in it's place build a new racetrack that is slightly fancier.

And it all starts on Wednesday April 21st, 2004.

So, make your pledges of allegiance now folks. Either declare your loyalty to that stinky, slightly taller fatcat Jeff, or come over to the Dobosh side of things where there will be cupcakes and McDonald's Orange Drink for everyone!

I WANT A NEW ENEMY

With all of the tribulations currently engulfing our pretty little planet, it's only natural for people to begin philosophizing about what creates these problems and, more importantly, what allows them to continue.

Some would be quick to point the finger of blame squarely at the "United" States of America, and they'd be justified in doing so. We've acted foolishly, without regard for the consequences that must inevitably follow, and so we're branded fools. Fair enough.

I hate to admit this, as I consider myself to be the most (gulp) patriotic member of my own little community, but for Christ's sake Americans,

You brought it on yourselves.

I'm not saying that we deserved to be attacked in the way that we were, but we sure as hell had to see something coming. Our arrogance as a nation had reached an all-time high (low?) when we found ourselves debating the definition of "is" and whether or not a blowjob counts as sex. (I say it doesn't, I mean what do I get out of it besides a sore jaw?)

Then, after we got suckerpunched on 9-11, an interesting thing happened. We all got a lot closer for a short while, partisan lines were blurred and all Americans were brothers, even if only some of us were actually black men.

We mourned as one nation, and then romantically thought of ourselves as "The Sleeping Giant" that had been awakened to retake the world for justice and truth. You could almost hear Don King salivating at the prospect of a giant brawl between the big bad U.S.A. (13-0-1) and the upstart Al QUEDA (0-0). We could show it on pay-per-view and it could be bigger than Wrestlemania, almost.

But then something happened.

Or, more accurately, something failed to happen.

Al Queda didn't show up for the rumble.

So we went to his house and smacked his kids around and shot his dog, but he just ran off and hid so he could come back and bite us again another day. What a fucker!
So, like a bully that has not collected enough lunch money yet, we looked wildly around and asked that classic bully question,

"Who else wants some?"

followed closely by,

"Hey Saddam, what the fuck you lookin' at?"

Turns out he was looking at us and that was that.

So we left the Queda residence and went over to someone else's house, and we "fought" them, but really they went down like Scott Farkis under Ralphie's mittens.
The real challenge in Iraq has proven to be keeping their people from acting like animals while we're busy liberating them from the tyranny of their oil.
Jesus people! Shut up and let us rule you!

But even that story is getting stale. The U.S. military death toll has broken 600 since Bush hit that aircraft carrier and did the victory dance, and that seemingly embarrassing piece of news only rates a little side bar on page A14 in the L.A. Times.

We are far more concerned with the state of our daily television schedules than the state of the world around us, and while that little observation has been made quite a few times before, no one has had the cajones to say what I'm about to.

I want the Nazis back.

They were a real enemy. A true source of undeniable evil that the whole world (meaning the US+Europe) had to unite to defeat. They were brutal, twisted bastards, and they killed millions of innocent people, but that's not what I miss about them, it's their sense of style. They had a sinister logo and wore really cool uniforms while they committed their acts of attrocities.

A genocidal style, yes, but a style nonetheless.

With the villains of today, there's none of that. Yes, they're evil. Sick? Check. Twisted? Check. But I can't help but think that something's missing.

Maybe it's their leaders. Hitler was way crazier! He commissioned people to create Nazi artwork, and search for ancient artifacts, and he was the only person who could actually pull of that little mustache of his. Bin Laden's just good at hiding in stuff, and I'm sorry, but there's just nothing sexy about that.

I guess it all boils down to the old adage "the clothes make the man", because when you think of every conquering army in modern history, what did they have in common?

Uniforms.

The British were called"The RedCoats".
Our own elite forces are called "The Green Berets".
And who could forget the Viet Cong's provocative choice, Black Pajamas?

I mean, for Christ's sakes, even The Russians had uniforms. Ah, The Red Scare. I would have said that I wanted The Ruskies back, but despite the best efforts of movies like RED DAWN, I was more afraid of their Nukes than their actual army. Although, let's be serious for a second, Red Dawn did kick ass.

So my advice to Al Queda?

Get it together man, and let's try to make this the best "War on Terror" ever!

WOLVERINES!!!!!!!!

(Not a bad mascot, Mr. Queda, think about it.)